Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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