I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Sober January is a disaster.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize