oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
