On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
P.S. I can't hear my feet
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I take back everything I said about communal showers
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
