I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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