what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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