what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
