I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
