I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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