i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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