a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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