In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
