It's like a parade of train wrecks.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the day after is always just damage control
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize