Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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