Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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