Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm passing your future prison.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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