sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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