My girlfriend figured out who you are.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
