I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
