I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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