There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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