Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
