remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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