I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
