so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
