I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
i out mim tonsoeep
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