Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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