Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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