Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
she smelled like a LAN party
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
