So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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