My girlfriend figured out who you are.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
