watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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