I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize