so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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