And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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