She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
