I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
