I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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