Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize