I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
