The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
