I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
