Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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