Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We need a shit load of segways right now
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
