why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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