Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
