Having a random hookup so left but love u
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
