I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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