Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
