Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
