I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
