I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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