I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
