I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just saw a hot homeless man
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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