Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
