How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
