my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
