When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
